Three weeks ago it seemed like such a good idea. Blogging 101 and Writing 101 were running concurrently during the month of September. It seemed like the answer to my prayers, really, because my languishing blog is in desperate need of an overhaul, renewed energy and commitment. I thought it to be a match made in heaven, my hopes and dreams coupled with Blogging University’s boots on the ground formula for getting my site up and running. The enrollment process is so easy, type a few keystrokes and voila … You are enrolled. In retrospect methinks the process was a little too easy.
First day of class I sit down to my computer with fresh cup of coffee in hand, open my inbox and read my two assignments: blogging 101 wants to know why I’m here and writing 101 wants to know why I write. Hmmm. I guess I hadn’t thought this through carefully enough. Should I write one post or two?
There is a reason my blog has languished for this long. Getting a post from me is like trying to get blood from a turnip. I journal prodigiously … its sharing my thoughts that terrifies me. I start to feel panic. You see, in my mind assignment has morphed into PLEASE JUSTIFY YOUR EXISTENCE!!!! Tell us why you deserve to take up valuable real estate on the internet. And know that you will be graded.
First comes the ritual. I light candles, burn incense and turn on music designed to inspire. Next, I open my writing program and load a fresh clean document. I sip coffee and stare at the blank page. The blinking cursor taunts me. Oh how I wish I could be anywhere but here. When I can stand it no more I stare out my window and watch grass grow.
Day three of class and I’ve managed to write a few paragraphs that don’t suck. I am nervously watching the class assignments accumulate in my inbox. Then I realize I can make a dent. I can can check three assignments off my to do list because why I write, why I’m here, and the meaning of my title and tagline all come clear when I tackle the question, Why I write.
- I write to find me. At sixty two years of age I have more years behind me then in front. I can see that I have spent much of my life living up to other people’s expectations and chasing their hopes and dreams. Now its my turn. This can sometimes feels like an archaeological dig sifting through the rubble to find the person I want to be.
- I write to reclaim my life as journey with the past stretched out behind me and my future a question mark. I struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts and with the aid of my psychiatric service dog I am learning to live in the moment.
- I write to put a face to this journey of mine, its ups and downs, struggles and challenges with mental health and wellness.
- And lastly I write to share my journey with you because while each of us must find our own path, we weren’t meant to journey alone. Life is definitely better when you share it with others.
Again, welcome to my world. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you were able to get comfortable. I promise next time to be better prepared. Next time I’ll have wine; do you prefer red or white?