The Blame game

Today I mourn the loss of someone I once called friend.

Time and distance have intervened and that has given me the opportunity to look with fresh eyes at our dynamic. I know how I’ve changed. I used to be the person who tip toed around their difficult feelings. I walked on eggshells and felt it was my responsibility to fix things, to do what was necessary to make them feel better.

It’s a coping mechanism I learned from my parents who often tag-teamed me in their dynamic of misdirected emotions. At the end of a long and difficult day my mother would go into the kitchen and slam cupboard doors. Then she would unceremoniously dump dinner on the table and go to bed with a headache. That was when my father would turn to me and say, “Look what you did to your mother.”

My parents wielded their feelings like sabers and it has taken me a lifetime to recognize the amount of blame, shame and feelings of personal responsibility I absorbed from that dynamic.

As an adult I’m learning that the only way to win is not to play the game. Change comes from within.

On this very human of journeys, I accept that feelings are an important dimension.  I pride myself on being a sounding board for other people’s difficult feelings; but I will not accept blame or shame. I did not cause them. We all need that safe place, that safe harbor where we can express the good bad, ugly and complicated feelings. A neutral space, without judgement; a good listener and support as we work through your options. But I insist we all learn to take ownership of our respective feelings and lose this petty tendency to blame or shame others.

Today I mourn the loss of a friend.

6 thoughts on “The Blame game

  1. Hi there, Nice to meet you on WordPress. This is one of the most inspiring posts I read today because it is so real. I applaud you for doing the work and understanding how to change what you can, not tolerating the blame and shame anymore. Great work. Thanks for inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have a friend like this, at one point we did go separate ways but now we’re trying to be friends again. I’ve actually used the term walking on eggshells to describe how I feel around her. I’ve told her that I don’t want a relationship where I have to watch every single thing I say. We’ll see how it goes. It’s brave of you to move on!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Serendipity Patrice!My blog post today was about dealing with bad emotions…there is defintely “something” in the air which is pushing us to rebel to what it was no matter the price will pay.
    I think it’s ever so important to recognize the need of a sacred space where there are no blame, guilt or the constant finger pointing right in one’s face.
    Have faith….Maybe your friendship is not lost but just shedding its skin…This new moon is all about resetting dynamics within our relationships!
    Well done for being brave and sharing this out,
    Bliss & Grace from my Heart to Yours x

    Liked by 1 person

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